I am writing to you regarding what we discussed via Facebook chat last month. Although you have ready access to Facebook and will have no trouble refreshing your memory on your own as to what we discussed, I will recapitulate. I asked if you were still looking for submissions from comedians for your website, toowettoburn.com. The request was for a wide range of topics, from show reviews to “something you are thinking about.”
(New Paragraph) Well, I am excited to announce that I have successfully thought of many things. I cannot elaborate on how resonant my writing will be to the reader, and yet as someone who is often given the ungenerous label of “comedian,” I know for a fact that anything I say to anyone will be interpreted as humorous. I could write 2,000 words about my very real neuroses and it would be taken as a satire of the most recent celebrity death. If I genuinely cry for Argentina, people immediately assume I am doing a stand-up comedy on the movie Evita, which itself was a movie-comedy on the Andrew Lloyd Webber comedy-musical about Evita, Evita. Let me be clear: my intention here is to only write on subjects that are designed to delight and inform the reader. Time is precious, and I could not live with myself if I were ever the cause of another person’s loss of time, which is precious.
Here are the topics that I would like to propose:
– I have been eating plain bread for the first half of today. Sourdough Rye Bread made by Bread Stop. It is both fresh and local.
– I looked at a bird and thought of global warming for about 10 seconds. Then I thought about hoarding water. Then I thought about how to filter water. Then I thought about how in Waterworld, Costner’s Fish Man character was able to filter drinkable water from non-drinkable urine. Then I stopped thinking for a long time.
– I read an article about the discovery of bones from a dinosaur that at the time of death weighed 60 tons. It must have been pretty big!
– I thought about a conversation I had with my girlpartner in a forest 2 weeks ago. She asked me if I could have an animal that followed me around and did my bidding and understood complex commands, would I rather have a bird or some type of rodent. I quickly said “bird”, which I am thinking was the wrong answer, as she spent the rest of the conversation trying to sell me more on the idea of a rodent companion instead of a bird. I think she had wanted to pick bird for herself, but only if I had picked rodent. What I am wondering is, if I had said ‘rodents’ first, what would we have been conversing about instead? Would we be married at this point? Or was this conversation actually an argument but I am just too selfish of a person to notice? If it was an argument, who won? In short, the question completely upended what I thought about reality and I have not been the same since.
– I just learned about the death of Joan Rivers by reading a tweet by Fortune Feimster. I can’t tell if I hope she is just joking.
– Ok, so I went to npr.org and started reading an article about the death of Joan Rivers. The 5th sentence totally blew me away; it reads, “But Rivers’ talent for rapid-fire jokes and edgy humor was stilled Thursday, when the comic died after complications following throat surgery.” Wow. I never thought of death like that. I mean, I always thought that talent was something you were born with and had forever, but apparently if you die then you are not as good at things that you used to be good at before you died. Like, if I were to die right now, my talent for writing cumbersome sentences would suffer greatly.
– When I was in high school, I saw an advertisement for a Joan Rivers stand-up special on TV. I thought, “Joan Rivers does stand-up? That has to be irritating.” I watched the special and loved it.
– What about saying or doing things that I immediately congratulate myself for saying or doing because I think someone else might congratulate me later for the said/done thing?
– Say what you will about Wang Chung, but ‘To Live and Die in L.A.’ is a pretty good song. The music video is on Youtube and I do not recommend watching it, unless you are researching a piece of written humor about how you genuinely like a Wang Chung song. The lead singer is hard to look at, like his face is made of clay. I wouldn’t be surprised if that was some kind of yuppie fashion ritual in the 80’s – it would certainly explain Ron Perlman’s role as Vincent in Beauty and the Beast. At this moment I am realizing that I have no reason to worry that someone else will seek out the music video for ‘To Live and Die in LA’. There are not many other people besides myself who are in the least interested in watching 80’s New Wave videos. I do not like to admit to myself that when I am listening to 80’s New Wave music it is often alone – and if another person is near I will either turn it down or off. If you subscribe to the notion of past lives, then consider that it could very well be that I was the member of some powerful family in the past and the singing style of British New Wave vocalists is similar to the insincere speaking style of my father’s courtesans who took turns raising me. It’s a pretty good song, you should check it out. Of course, only the title track of ‘To Live and Die in L.A.’ is any good – the rest of the soundtrack is mediocre.
– Maybe rename the website Toadthewettoburnsprocket.com.
Those are my topic proposals. But I am thinking right now that it would be much easier if you just copy this email onto the website and then we can just be done with it. Otherwise we might end up wasting people’s time.
Let me know if that works.