Too Wet To Burn Management’s response:
Dear Mr. Ricketts,
Due to the negligence of this website’s owner, your recent submission was accepted and posted. I was hired as the copy editor for toowettoburn.com through the international trading agency Alibaba.com, and have since received very little guidance in this job assignment. In case you are at all curious, I am a 7 year old boy from Zhejiang Province. My name, coincidentally enough, is Xiang Chung. It saddens me that there aren’t more Americans like yourself who are raising awareness about the seminal 80’s New Wave band Wang Chung, because it is all my family ever listens to. Furthermore I would like to just put it out there that if you think this is at all funny or ironic, then you might be experiencing some symptoms of Racism, an ancient and destructive thought-virus.
I cannot begin to tell you what a pleasure it was to read your recent submission to the newly renamed comedy website, toadthewettoburnsprocket.com, because it was anything but. As it turns out, you have been channeling my thoughts verbatim, which leads me to believe that the medication I have been taking is a conspiracy in thought control and you are, in fact, a dark overlord intent on world domination (see references to, in no particular order, Fortune Feimster, Joan Rivers, “New Wave,” rodents (not to be confused with new wave rodents Kajagoogoo), Waterworld, global warming and sourdough rye bread). In fact, those were the real seven signs of the apocalypse before massive revision of the Book of Revelation, which started out as The Unexpurgated Book of Revelations: How Little Things Can Make a Big Difference.
I know this is redundant in light of the recent restraining order I filed, but please stop submitting these harassing pieces to this website. Yes, I acknowledge that in the previous paragraph I began by saying how much of a pleasure it was to read your submission, but if you had read further, you would have noticed the caveat that it actually wasn’t. Fortunately, one of the side-effects of my conspiracy theory-inducing medication is self-contradiction.
Also, Gil requests that you stop assembling scaffolding outside of his house so that you can look through his bedroom window. He admits that he is impressed at the realistic painting outfit and rollers, but enough is enough. His wife has been using TWTB’s corporate account to buy new outfits to flaunt in front of you and Gil simply cannot afford that right now because he already has to pay her for sex and conversations.
I look forward to accumulating your next submission as evidence.
P.S. Don’t worry about confusing the readers. Most of the visitors to this site arrived here accidentally after doing a search for ‘too much wet porn to burn’.